Poetry

So sorry for not posting for a couple weeks! I've been battling my inner self lately, leaving no room for myself to do other things. Here is a little something I wrote to keep you interested until I can post something a bit more well thought out.

     Walking down the hallway completely begrudged. Both equally acting as if they had lost a dear friend. The expression on their faces shone similar acts of angst and pain, angry towards the world when all it did was shelter them from a storm that it now let them sleep in the eye of. It didn't matter that they had      everything going for them. They didn't want that. They wanted happiness in a world full of pain and struggle and when realization of an idiotic cover unfolded and the true world laid before them. They deflated like a    mother does when she finds her son's shattered pieces laying over the bed next to a .45 and flooded in a sea of red soaking into broken memories. These kids were broken, born into a world of hate and disgust. With no hope for anything but like the adolescent incompetent children that they were, they trudged on dreaming of a day when they could  awake with a reason to push on. I reason bigger than their idiotic dream of it.   

My Failure

“ I told my best friend, then he told the whole school..” He had carried this secret with him for 13 years. The one day the he finally felt like he could trust someone they stabbed him in the back. That’s ok though, he has scars to match it on his wrist. this secret that he carried around weighed him down more and more everyday. He couldn't tell anyone he was different because then they would pick on him, more than they already do. the short jokes, fat jokes, ugly jokes, and now.. Gay jokes.

He was a happy kid growing up. He didn't think anything could get him down, he thought he was invincible because when trouble started his big sister was there to defend him, But she grew older and she thought she was too good for him. He wasn't so invincible anymore.. That’s when everything went wrong. He went from the most popular to the most hated. Kids picked on him everyday and when he got home it just got worse because his sister wasn't there to protect him anymore. She would just stay in her room.. So he did it. He took those scissors and dug into his wrists. He cried for his family and he cried for his friends but they wouldn't come. He cried for his sister he cried for the memories they had he cried for all of them to come rushing back, but they wouldn't. They were gone and so was she. So he kept digging into his wrists thinking maybe if I dig hard enough or dig deep enough I can find her. I can find us playing in the mud. I can find us swimming in the river. I can find where she promised me nothing would ever come between us, but he didn't. He knew in his heart he would never find those memories but he kept digging, everyday a new scar and every day one less person seemed to care. What he didn't know was his sister was too busy digging for her own memories to notice he was hurting too. but at dinner one night when she noticed one scar poking out of his sweatshirt. longing to be healed she ran to him, she ran to him and cuddled him like he was an infant. She cried for hours but only to match the melody of her brothers tears to. They both had longed for this moment so deeply that they didn't even notice each others suffering.. I blame myself everyday for the scars on my brothers skin. I was too busy peeking inside of my cuts looking for any sign of hope to know that he was doing the same. When my parents told me that my brother was self harming I cried I ran to him and I cried for hours with him. and he told me why, he said “I’m bisexual.. they pick on me every day, I told my best friend and he told the whole school.”

Delicate Skin

"You are beautiful no matter what they say.. Words can't bring you down..." - Christina Aguilera

I know this is a cheesy song lyric by an artist you may not like. I'll be honest, I am not to crazy about her either, but she has helped me. I have been where you are. I have felt exactly what you felt and don't you even dare try to tell me different. I have laid on the floor of my bedroom shaking, crying, not breathing because every breath I toke just shot all of my pain to the surface again. I've sat in my room with the music blasted and the door shut, I've clawed at my skin with razor blades, scissors, pens, paperclips, and anything else I could get my hands on. I have heard the oh so desperate cries of my skin breaking apart and the red liquid flowing out in its place. My delicate skin has screamed to be healed and cared for just like yours'.  

"I kissed the scars on her skin, I still think you're Beautiful.." - Pierce The Veil

You have overcome the pain and the heartache. You've overcome the depression and the agony of walking this earth. You are alive, you have made it. But now you have these scars, and you should never look at these scars as a mistake or something that makes you less beautiful. These scars represent your hard life, the hard life that you made it out of. You should carry these scars around as a trophy, a symbol of your strength. 

P.S. Darling, if you have been going through a hard time and have been forcing yourself not to self-harm. Don't give in. Be stronger than I was. Keep that oh so delicate skin pure.

I'm only 16

I'm only 16
I'm not 21
I'm not 42
I'm not an adult
I'm not any of you
I'm only 16
I'm only a Junior
I guess you could call me a late bloomer
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to do it
I don't who to love and
How do I prove it?
It's been 703 days to the second
And I'm still questioning if you ever meant it
Because I'm only 16
I'm only a Junior
I'm only this lonely
Because that's how I choose it
I'm too bad for you
You're too good for me
But hey, I'm only 16

Free Verse Poetry

Free verse poetry is my favorite type of poetry. I will spend days on YouTube and Google looking for free verse poems that bring tears to my eyes. This free verse poem speaks to my very core. This poem makes me cry every time I listen to it. This poem speaks depths and is the best poem I have found so far. I have been to hell and back and I know That you have too and to go through that pain I praise the fact that you are still here and Please don't give up. you have lived to long and worked to hard for this, don't leave me OK? No matter if you feel so alone that you just pick up the blade. I want you to Put it down, now. I want you to think of me every time you pick up any self harm weapon, I want you to think about how much I love you. How important you are to me. So put that thing of torture down. Stomp it to death because you don't need it anymore. You don't deserve the pain you deserve love. You deserve the love that I will work everyday to give to you.

Love,

Cassidy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6DFoVwZLB8

Scars

One, if I could, I would nail these hands to the edges of stars I would sacrifice this body to the sky, hoping to resurrect there’s someone that’s spiteful enough to not care about you anymore.

Two, staple me to a cross. Pierce my side with a broken promise and I will bleed all the crippled reasons why you deserve one more chance.

Three, loving you was the last thing that I felt really good at.

Four, you wanna know how I got these scars. See, I ripped every last piece of you out of my smile.

Five, I whispered you stardust.

Six, I spoke you into sunflowers.

Seven, I dipped my hands in forever, I touched you infinity, treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen inside of a gas chamber; I was good to you.

Eight. You wanna know how I got these scars? See, I swallowed my pride and then it clawed it’s way out of my mouth  

Nine, I realized that I was never really your boyfriend, I was  just your fucking height man.

Ten, I hope your next boyfriend gets smallpox.

Ten Yes I said smallpox.

Ten, I hate you.

ten, but I still miss you.

ten, and a part of me still loves you

ten, it’s hard for me to count when I get emotional.

Ten I heard that over 90% of human interaction is not verbal..so..

Ten, if I could, I would tie your arms to a daydream and then auction you off to my fondest memories.

To the new boyfriend

To the random dude who started dating my ex girlfriend two days after we broke up (yes, I saw that shit on facebook). Now When I realized that you were in a relationship with the girl that I thought I would someday spend the rest of my life with, I walked outside. I said to myself, “There’s no way Ashton Kutcher is gonna catch me off guard.” I waited 45 minutes and then I realized, there hasn’t been a new episode of “punked” in damn near four  years, so I guess I’m the only practical joke in this entire situation.

One: The first time I saw you and her in a picture, I wanted to take my entire arm, shove it inside of the computer and snatch the happiness right off of your face.

Two, if I ever see you in the street, I’m probably going to punch you in the throat.

three, I apologize in advance.

. And I know, I know that it makes no sense to have this much anger toward a man that I have never actually met face to face, but my definition of love is being robbed in an alley 8 times in a row and hoping there’s something about today that makes all of this different. There is nothing logical about cutting off the most important parts of yourself then putting them inside hands that shake, that tremble, that crack like a haitian sidewalk.

Four, there is nothing rational about love. your Love stutters when it gets nervous, your love trips over its own shoelaces. Love is clumsy, and my heart refuses to wear a helmet.

five, cupid is fucking irresponsible, and I’m tired of him using me for target practice.

six, I was told that time would heal all wounds. But what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis?

seven, she always wore her heart on her sleeve. So tell me, why the hell do you look so familiar?

eight, I think I’ve seen you somewhere in her smile. like I’ve heard your voice in her laughter, like i’ve smelled your cologne on her thighs, I bet if we dusted her heart for fingerprints, we would only find yours.

Nine, I have this envelope, it’s it’s it’s full of all the butterflies I felt the first time she relaxed the velcro on her lips and smiled in my direction. I think Most of them are still alive. I guess these belong to you, too.”

OK I May Have Lied/ Problems

Yeah I lied. It's true. I'm going to post more than once a week. Probably twice a week or more (definitely more).

Problems:

  Problems are difficult to handle. Really difficult.. Unless it's a small problem but it is still a problem. That NEEDS to be handle. You should never EVER let a problem just swim away and stay a problem. You need to work it out. Whether it's a fight with a friend or parent. Whether it's a relationship problem or an identity problem. ALL problems need to be handled. 

Try these:

- Sit down and talk to them: Nothing works better than sitting down and discussing the issue ALONE. There should not be anyone else there except for you and the person who you are having the problem with.

- Apologize: I know you don't think anything is your fault in the situation but more times than not it is a tad bit your fault. So just apologize and it might urge them to apologize too.

- Be patient: It may just take time for that person to get over the fight or problem. You must be patient and you must NEVER freak out. You apologized, that's all you can do. The rest is up to them. 

P.S. Don't be afraid to leave questions in the comments :) I'll help in anyway that I can. I love you, Don't leave this world OK?

I'm Back

I've been gone for over a year and I'm sorry. I know I made this account for the purpose of an English class but I've decided to keep it going. I like blogging, it keeps the little part of my sanity that I have left intact. Writing in this blog makes me feel important whether people actually read any of my posts or not, they make me feel good. I will post once a week.. I don't know what about yet and it might just be different every time but oh well. They will always be helpful.. I'll post advice, poetry, feelings, thoughts, and to remind you everyday that you are important. You always will be I PROMISE you this. I swear by it.



Love you always,
     Cassidy